Rawr

Why exactly can I not find the address of the grocery store I worked at for 2 months 5 years ago? Do they even really care if I have this on my application or not? The only reason I have any information on it at all is from my past lj entries. e_e

Also, could the library internets be slower?

I'm not particularly good at this coping thing

I think I am getting better. I'm not sure though. Last week I would get teary over little things, ie racks of cards or displays of hanging crystals or wind chimes. Things that I would normally need to run over and say "I should get this for gramma for her birthday or Christmas or something!" I don't know what to do with all the misc cards and stationary I bought to send to gramma. I have so many sparkly stickers and things that I'd bought to send to gramma on them...

I need to stop writing this. I'm in the public library, I can't start crying now. Not when I normally keep things together better than this.

I do think that I'm coping by... not coping. I feel like I'm unconsciously wrapping these feelings up and putting them where they can't hurt me.

I felt like I was saying goodbye after my wedding to gramma and my dog, and I cried. Scottie didn't really get it at first because of the timing, it was after I had said goodbye to Krissy (who I expect to be around for a good long time). It was sad to say goodbye to her of course, she's a good friend, but it's not the same reason.

And I really was saying goodbye to them for the last time. My dog died that spring, and now gramma died.

Grampa wants to give me gramma's wedding rings, and other special jewelry. Mom's going to send me some of her clothes. I really want some of her hanging crystals, but it is possible that grampa doesn't want to take them down. I gave gramma a lot hanging crystals, and she gave me hanging crystals. It was one of those things that we shared. A love of sparkly things to hang everywhere to drive our husbands batty.

I'm getting their last Christmas card soon. I have no idea how I will react to that.

I'm getting put on the deed to their house. Mom thinks that grampa thinks he is dying. I know he's not doing well, he's had a couple strokes over the past couple of months. But he should perk up a bit now that he's alone and can rest and have a full night's sleep for the first time in years. Looking at the bright side and all that.

I don't know that I can go home again. It's not going to be home anymore. Gramma is dead. Gesundheit is dead. That's not all that is different, but neither of them will be really dead to me until I am there and see that it is different. If that makes sense.

Erm yeah. I'm coping by not. I'd say that's not coping.